3 SYSTEM BLOG SERIES: PART 1

Coping Behaviors: The Eruptions

Lasting change happens when we work on three connected systems at once. Healing one alone is rarely enough. This post looks at the first system, and the one that is easiest to see: our coping behaviors, or what I call eruptions.

When pain finds a way out

Think of a volcano. Deep underground, pressure builds in a pool of molten rock called magma. When the pressure gets too great, it bursts through the surface. Everyone can see the eruption, and it affects everything around it.

Our pain works in a similar way. When hurt builds up inside us without a healthy outlet, it finds a way out. That might look like:

• Anger, yelling, or lashing out
• Shutting down, withdrawing, or going silent
• Drinking, using substances, or overeating
• Overworking, overspending, or staying constantly busy
• Pornography, affairs, or seeking attention from others
• Scrolling, gaming, or numbing out in front of a screen
• Controlling others, people-pleasing, or perfectionism

These eruptions cause real pain, both to us and to the people closest to us. Over time, they become hard to hide.

Your coping behaviors make sense

This is important: unhealthy coping behaviors are not a sign that you are bad or broken. They mean something. They may be a cry for help, a way to survive, a way to release pressure, or a way to quiet pain. In some way, they work, at least for a while. That is why we keep returning to them.

The problem is the cost. Relief in the moment often leads to more hurt, shame, and damaged relationships later.

Why stopping the behavior isn't enough

Imagine you could jam a giant rock into the top of a volcano to stop the eruption, like putting a cork in a bottle. What would happen? The pressure underneath would still be there. The magma would push its way out somewhere else on the mountain.

So you cork that one too. And then another opening appears.

It starts to feel like a game of whack-a-mole. Many of us know this pattern well. We quit one habit, and another takes its place. We stop yelling, and start shutting down instead. We put down the drink, and pick up the phone.

Therapy that only focuses on the current behavior can work the same way. It may stop one eruption, but the pressure finds another path. With a life, a marriage, or a family, that game of whack-a-mole is exhausting and discouraging.

Healing starts underneath

What really drives a volcano is the magma beneath the surface. For us, it is our deeper pain: hurt, emptiness, numbness, or fear. Healing that core is what stops the eruptions and keeps them from coming back.

This doesn't mean behaviors don't matter. Safety comes first, and reducing harmful behaviors is an important part of the work. But real, lasting change comes from addressing what is driving them. The next post explores that core.

Questions for reflection

Take your time with these. There are no right or wrong answers, and you don't have to answer them all at once.

1. When you are hurting, what behaviors or eruptions do you turn to?
2. What deeper pain, emptiness, numbness, or fear might be driving them?
3. How do these behaviors help you? Remember, they serve a purpose. We use them because, in some way, they work.
4. What do they cost you, and the people you love?
5. What usually happens right before an eruption? Notice any feelings, thoughts, or situations that come first.

Coping Behaviors are one of three systems we work on together. Success doesn't come from focusing on one system alone, but from doing the work in all three.