3 SYSTEM BLOG SERIES - PART 2

The Core: Your Pool of Pain

In the last post, we compared our unhealthy coping behaviors to a volcano erupting. This post goes beneath the surface, to the second of our three systems: the core. If coping behaviors are the eruption, the core is the pool of magma underneath that drives it. I call it your Pool of Pain.

What's in the pool

Your Pool of Pain holds the hurt, emptiness, and disconnection left behind by painful experiences over your lifetime. These experiences are not your fault. Yet you are the one left carrying their weight. That weight often takes the form of shame, and shame is what pushes us toward the choices and eruptions we later regret.

What is trauma?

When many people hear the word trauma, they think of something extreme, like a car accident, war, or abuse. Those are traumas. But trauma can also be smaller and quieter. Any experience that left you without the safety, care, or nurture you needed can leave a mark. It might have been:

• Big: a single overwhelming event, such as abuse, a loss, or a betrayal
• Small: a moment of being humiliated, dismissed, or left out that stuck with you
• Chronic: something that happened over and over, such as ongoing criticism, neglect, or growing up around addiction or conflict

Trauma may feel like a distant memory. But if thinking about it still stirs something in you today, such as tightness, sadness, anger, or the urge to look away, it still holds an emotional charge. That charge is often shame.

Healthy shame vs. toxic shame

Not all shame is harmful. There are two very different messages:

• Healthy shame says: "I did something wrong." It points to a behavior, and it helps us take responsibility, make amends, and grow.
• Toxic shame says: "Something is wrong with me." It points to who we are, and it leaves us feeling defective, unworthy, or unlovable.

Toxic shame often takes root when we are hurt, rejected, abused, left out, neglected, or betrayed, especially as children. Children naturally make sense of pain by blaming themselves. A child who is ignored may conclude, "I don't matter." A child who is criticized may conclude, "I'm never good enough." Those conclusions can quietly follow us into adulthood.

How toxic shame keeps its hold

When trauma goes unhealed, toxic shame messages stay alive and keep growing. They show up as:

• Self-loathing or harsh self-criticism
• Feeling insignificant, empty, or invisible
• A sense of not belonging anywhere
• Pulling away from healthy friends, mentors, or community
• Believing you are worthless, stuck, or unable to change

These messages fill the Pool of Pain and build the pressure that leads to an eruption. The good news is that toxic shame can heal. When the pain in the core is understood, shared, and cared for, the pressure eases, and the eruptions lose their power.

Questions for reflection

These questions may stir up strong feelings. Go slowly, and stop if you feel overwhelmed. It's okay to explore them with your therapist rather than on your own.

1. What is the earliest painful memory you have? You'll know it because, when you think back, it still holds some emotional charge.
2. What did that experience lead you to believe about yourself at the time?
3. Do you still believe that message today? Where do you hear it in your thoughts?
4. What current experiences seem to reinforce that toxic shame message?
5. What would you say to a child who had gone through what you went through?

The Core is one of three systems we work on together. Success doesn't come from focusing on one system alone, but from doing the work in all three.